Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

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a german, indian & russian wake up in hell.
not wanting to be there, they petitioned the devil for their release.
the devil offers a challenge - survive 3 lashes of my whip & you are free!

the german fashions a high-tech shield of ceramics and titanium:
by the second lash of the devil's whip, the shield is gone, the 3rd dooms the german.

the indian enters into a deep meditative trance feigning death:
the 1st blow has no effect, the 2nd partially wakens him, the final blow causes the indian to grunt.
the devil says, impressive! you may leave.
the indian says, ya know, in most jokes the russian always gets out of it somehow, so i'll stick around to see how this ends!

the devil asks the russian, ok, so what are you going to use as your shield?
the russian replies, the indian.

:D :D :D
 
Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Today's Generation:

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

Lilly Dad's reply ....also texting

My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
 
A Math Romance

They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, because it was an improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. She approached her ex, so they diverged.

A Guy
 
A Guy said:
A Math Romance

They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, because it was an improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. She approached her ex, so they diverged.

A Guy
Click to expand...

Not sure if that is family friendly though ;)
 
Heard on a rewatched episode of The Sopranos.....

Two guys decide to go hunting.
On the way they pass a road sign that says "bear left".
So they went home......
 
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