Temmu
Well-known member
no gender bias here... :lol:
Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!
- Thread starter Corrine
- Start date
no gender bias here... :lol:
Did you miss the one about the blonde and the trucker posted above that one (here)?
:hysterical:
I was just watching my cat chase it's tail for 5 minutes and thought;
Cats are easily entertained......
Then I realized, I was just watching my cat chase it's tail for 5 minutes. :huh:
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
More food for thought...
Ever wonder why quicksand works so slowly?
What do you call it if you get rid of all your odds and ends except for one?
Why do feet smell and noses run?
Why is that you can make someone that are 400 billion stars in the sky, yet if tell them the wall has wet paint on it, they have to touch it?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if our knees bent the other way?
Why does your alarm go off by going on?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
Why would anyone buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What's another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do you always find things in the last place you looked?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they are already there?
How do hearing aid companies expect potential customers to hear their commercials?
Ever wonder why quicksand works so slowly?
What do you call it if you get rid of all your odds and ends except for one?
Why do feet smell and noses run?
Why is that you can make someone that are 400 billion stars in the sky, yet if tell them the wall has wet paint on it, they have to touch it?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if our knees bent the other way?
Why does your alarm go off by going on?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
Why would anyone buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What's another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do you always find things in the last place you looked?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they are already there?
How do hearing aid companies expect potential customers to hear their commercials?
Temmu
Well-known member
thx, corrine, and donnab!
why do you only get 1 when you buy a pair of pants?
house ethics committee? really?
why don't you get 2 when you buy a pear?
house intelligence committee? seriously?
why do you only get 1 when you buy a pair of pants?
house ethics committee? really?
why don't you get 2 when you buy a pear?
house intelligence committee? seriously?
- May 7, 2013
- 10,396
I think I'm going to be only one who understands the joke :lol:
- Jul 22, 2012
- 345
Being from America....didn't realize how freaking funny these all are and so true.....especially the last one. Hell I can't stop laughing.....:hysterical:
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men... are men!
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men... are men!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."
Speaking of light-bulbs.....
How many forum-members does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again
How many forum-members does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again
Deejay100six
Sysnative Staff
Seems like this would be a great help in boosting the Sysnative post count. :lol:
A ghost* walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another ghost carrying a gravestone.
"Hey, what are you doing?โ
The other ghost answers, "Just strolling".
"Why do have the gravestone, buddy?"
"Because I always want to have some IDโ.
*Original joke had skeletons walking down the street but I thought ghost was more fitting with Halloween.
"Hey, what are you doing?โ
The other ghost answers, "Just strolling".
"Why do have the gravestone, buddy?"
"Because I always want to have some IDโ.
*Original joke had skeletons walking down the street but I thought ghost was more fitting with Halloween.
James M. Fisher
Well-known member
THE BLONDE MAN Joke HAS FINALLY ARRIVED...
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find theshampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells thevet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
Theblonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowlyet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spendsthe next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick itup.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" heshouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
Ablonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so hetells the cop about all the trees in theroad.
The cop says, "That's yourair freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don'tyou
put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Theguard looks in his cell and sees himhanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scubadivers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde manreplies: "If they fellforward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blondeman: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let'shope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
policestation.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we getthere?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find theshampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells thevet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
Theblonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowlyet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spendsthe next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick itup.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" heshouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
Ablonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so hetells the cop about all the trees in theroad.
The cop says, "That's yourair freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don'tyou
put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Theguard looks in his cell and sees himhanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scubadivers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde manreplies: "If they fellforward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blondeman: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let'shope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
policestation.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we getthere?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
- May 7, 2013
- 10,396
I found this on my Twitter feed, something for the programmers:
"If you look at "ะก++" long enough you'll notice its value is the one *before* the increment which explains why it's not that better than C"
"If you look at "ะก++" long enough you'll notice its value is the one *before* the increment which explains why it's not that better than C"
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a so called actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.
Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.
Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report