It simply returned to the same blue screen error messages, all 3 versions of safe mode.
Startup repair failed as well with a log that vanished as soon as I left that window. chkdsk /F found no errors on the drive. Reset my PC, all options failed as well. This computer was sick.
A nuke was required.
Even a media creation tool couldn't install Windows due to an unknown error. I used a Puppy Linux stick to copy over my files to another drive, deleted the Windows partition entirely, disconnected all my other hard drives and was finally able to install Windows 10 again.
My hubris got the better of me, since I had previously disabled system restore points to free up space. Perhaps it could have saved me, we won't know any more.
Thanks for all your help on this case, sadly, I think my machine was struggling with 20 years worth of Windows XP, 7 and 10 updates clogging up its insides. Something must've conflicted with something else.
And yes, Windows Update is fully updated now!