Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

Corrine

Corrine

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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was going on his way to a nearby town but as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him get to his car.

John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
 
Friend showed me this a few semesters back in CS class:

True story from a Novel Netware SysOp:
caller: "Hello, Is this tech support ? "
Tech: "Yes, It is. How may I help you ?"
caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am withing my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed ?"
Tech: "Did you say a Cup holder ? "
caller: "Yes ! it is attached to the front of my computer"
Tech: "Please excuse me If I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you received this as part of a promotional, at a trade show ?"
caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional, It just has 4X on it."

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it He was laughing too high.
The caller had been Using the load drawer of CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
Click to expand...

:rofl12::rofl12::rofl12:
 
Yeah... that one seems to plague my computer quite a bit... :banghead:
 
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Paddy was late to a meeting, and, as luck would have it, couldn't find a parking spot anywhere. In desperation, he stopped his car and prayed: "God, if you'll only give me a parking space, I'll give up my Irish Whiskey for a year and attend mass every Sunday!"

When he opened his eyes, lo and behold, a parking spot had appeared out of nowhere! Without missing a beat, he looked up and said "Nevermind, God, I found one."
 
I got this joke in a fortune cookie lol.


"What happens when a frogs car breaks down?" -
Read More:


And another random:
"What is the difference between here and there?" -
Read More:
 
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haha, who knows, but they exist as I found one. For the question of "since when?" i'll refer you to the Schrodinger's cat analogy as I have no idea how far back they existed, and if I was just unlucky enough to find one up until that point in time lol.

Maybe it was just a funny way of saying "It's okay to joke around once in a while"? or some other fancy cryptic ancient way of saying something similar :)
 
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood."

She raps the table.

Walk-04-june.gif
With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
 
Lawyer "Jokes".
{Disclaimer. I do have Barristers within my family. :zip:}


What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer


What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.


How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.


How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

​
 
The Blonde and the Pilot

This is the story of a blonde taking her first flying lesson in a two-seater airplane with just the instructor. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My instructor had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly.

Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a calm, steady voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be just fine! Now give me your height and position.."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the calm voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father Who art in Heaven. . . .."
 
"Doctor, What are my odds of getting better?” asked the worried patient.
“All Good News, One hundred per cent Recovery!” replied the physician.
“Medical records show that nine out of every ten die of the disease.
Since, yours is the tenth case I’ve treated and the others all died.
You’re odds are that will get better and recover.”

:omg:
​
 
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"​
 
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