Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

 
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"
​
 
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine.
He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.
They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer.
He also decides to die facing up.
They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts,
"WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"
​
 
A rich young lady buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

She then furiously calls the BMW dealer and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks: Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?? Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, idiot man, how could you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid...hello....I use D for the Day and N for the Night!
 
our corporate "it" inspection team came in today and was auditing password security.
they asked the blonde at the front desk what her password was (this was ok as those inspected had their passwords reset.)
she said, "donald, dopey, mickey, sleepy, grumpy, goofy, minnie, tallahassee"
the "it" inspector chuckled in amazement, "surely you don't type that every time you log on?"
the blonde logged off, then on, entering all that.
the "it" inspector said, "that is amazing, but why so long?"
the blonde replied, "our "it" department makes us use 7 characters and a capital."
ba-dum.:thud:
 
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday.
His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
​
 
two men were hiking down a trail when one almost fell into a bottomless pit.
after the shock of nearly dying wears off, they want to see how deep it is.
first man throws a stone in, but no sound.
other man throws a big stone in, still no sound.
they recall seeing a railroad tie in the woods a few yards back, so they carry it to the pit and heave it in.
still no sound.
all of a sudden! a goat comes running by at 30 mph and jumps headlong into the pit!
looking at each other, they ask, "what was that?!"
a farmer moseys by, and asks, "have you fellas seen my goat?"
amazed, one man recounts the tale, "yes! we were just standing here and a gray goat came zipping by and dived into this pit. could that be your goat?"
"no, no, don't thinks so" replied the farmer. "my goat was tied to a railroad tie."
 
If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
​
 
Two men were out golfing.

As one was ready to take his shot,
a funeral procession drove by the golf course.

The man stopped what he was doing,
put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart.

His partner was moved by this and said,
"That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!"

The man looked back at him and said,
"Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
 
* What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
-----

* What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off of you when you die.
-----

* What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.
-----
​
 
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says,"No, sorry." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and asks,"Got any grapes?" The bartender again says "No."

This goes on for several days, until the bartender has enough and says,"Look, everyday you come in here and ask if we have any grapes and everyday I say no. The next time you come in here I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!"

The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "No."

"Got any grapes?"
 
An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard.

She slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her, by chance, and helped her to get up.

She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your President. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "

The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''You know ... I fell on my ***, not on my head!"
​

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Just took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make him faster.

It didn't work, it just made him more sluggish.
 
A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."


Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"? "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
​
 
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
 
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