Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

FYI

The year was 1947.


Have A LAUGH!The year was 1947.Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 64 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:Barrack Obama Sr.Albert A. Gore, Jr.Hillary RodhamWilliam J. ClintonJohn F. KerryHoward DeanNancy PelosiDianne FeinsteinCharles E. SchumerBarbara BoxerJoe Biden

This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses. I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.It certainly did for me.And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.





















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So one day, there is this lady who is driving a red convertible -- top down -- and she has four penguins in the back seat.
She goes zooming right through a stop sign--speeding and all.

Well, there is a cop right there and he pulls her over, and says: "Lady, you just ran that stop sign and you're speeding... and... what are those penguins doing in the back seat?!
I am going to write you warning tickets, but I want you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

He writes the tickets and sends her along with her warnings.

Next day, the same lady is barreling down the same road.
Same red convertible, top down, same penguins--now wearing sunglasses, same stop sign--zoom-- right through it again!
Well, the same cop is there and he pulls her over again.

"LADY,” he says, "you ran that same stop sign again--and you're speeding again and... I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo."

"I did, Officer," she says, "and now we're going to the beach!"

{zz /JMH}
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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" you get an erection.

You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

I'm still looking for a place to live.

From both of us, of course.
 
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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped.
"Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK
ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in
the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along
this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and
there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said,
cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your
air freshener swinging back and forth."​
 

 So the lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not," said the doctor.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."


{K/J}

​
 
A Rabbi from Israel, a Maharishi from India, and a lawyer were traveling together.
It started getting dark and they needed a place to rest for the night. A farm house
was up ahead so they went to the front door and knocked. A farmer answered and
when told of their plight, said, "I have room inside the house for two of you. One
of you will have to bed down in the barn."

The Rabbi said, "My people are used to suffering and have done so for many
years. I'll go out to the barn." And everyone retired for the night.

A short while later there was a knock on the door. The farmer opened it and there
stood the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but I can't stay in the barn. There are
pigs out there and my religion forbids me from being in contact with pork."

The Maharishi heard the exchange and said to the Rabbi, "As a religious person I
can sympathize with your dilemma. I will sleep in the barn." And once again everyone
retired for the night.

A short while later there was a knock on the door. The farmer opened it and there
stood the Maharishi. He said, "I am sorry, but you have cows in your barn. In my
country of India cows are sacred and I cannot be in the same shelter as they."

The lawyer heard the conversation and said, "Look. We all need our sleep. I'll
go out to the barn." And soon the farm house was quiet as everyone drifted off to
sleep.

A short while later there was a knock on the door. The farmer opened it and there
stood the pigs and the cows.
​
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything here!"
 
So the lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not," said the doctor.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

​
 
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.




Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
​
 
One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to take the test.

The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........


Q. 1. Which tire?

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
 
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy! Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome:

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the #@&% did your hair?"
 
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.


What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

. . . and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
 
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer
walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud,
satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(Now at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish
the lawyers from the humans. Obviously, he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest
climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he
swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was
certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP". Not understanding where the
noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything,
he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
​
 
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's
most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "...or that
my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
penniless with three children??"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"​
 
Anxious to finally get the porch painted, I urged by husband to allow the man that knocked on our door looking for handiwork to do the job.

The man happily agreed to paint it for $50.
We were thrilled at our good luck of getting our wide porch painted for a measly $50.

Minutes later there was a knock at the door.
“All done” he said.
“Already?” we both said at once.
“Yeah, and by the way, it’s a Lexus not a Porsche”.

{K/J}
​
 
Sometimes I wake up grumpy

And sometimes I just let her sleep.


{J/K}
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Eek! We ARE different!


"US"
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.


"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"


A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"


Jan{Ken}
 
[h=2]Non-Plumber's Helper [/h][h=4]Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture. That's no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.
However, it didn't work much better than before!
As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.

I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.

"Did you get the green one, too"? he asked. [/h]
{Us}
​
 
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