Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

Buddy of mine went hunting once up in the mountains about 3 hours away, his wife packed for him before the trip.
When he got she asked how the hunting trip went he said not too well didn't get a deer in fact had 2 good shots but missed both times because she had not packed his long underwear and he was so cold.........................too which she replied why yes I did in fact I wrapped 2 pair around your gun in the gun case......................................
 
Although one of our dogs is named Jessie, perhaps because we are spelling her name differently, she doesn't do any of those things.

We did have an Akita who would pick up his toys and return them to the toy box. He always liked to take one of the toys outside with him to play with. If he forgot it, all I had to do was tell him to go get his "squeaky" and he'd run and get it, remembering exactly where he left it.
 
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Buddy of mine went hunting once up in the mountains about 3 hours away, his wife packed for him before the trip.
When he got she asked how the hunting trip went he said not too well didn't get a deer in fact had 2 good shots but missed both times because she had not packed his long underwear and he was so cold.........................too which she replied why yes I did in fact I wrapped 2 pair around your gun in the gun case......................................

I know American and British humour is very different but I can usually figure it out.

This one, I don't get at all. Sorry mate.
 
Buddy of mine went hunting once up in the mountains about 3 hours away, his wife packed for him before the trip.
When he got she asked how the hunting trip went he said not too well didn't get a deer in fact had 2 good shots but missed both times because she had not packed his long underwear and he was so cold.........................too which she replied why yes I did in fact I wrapped 2 pair around your gun in the gun case......................................

I know American and British humour is very different but I can usually figure it out.

This one, I don't get at all. Sorry mate.

:hysterical: Reminds me of the story my Mom told me once about a friend of hers.

Every year, the friend's husband went to Northern Minnesota to fish at Leech Lake with "the guys". One year the wife (my Mom's friend) decided to pack his clothes for him and she put his underwear in his tackle box. When he returned they got into a horrible fight when he screamed at her for not packing him any underwear.

Obviously somebody wasn't going up north to go fishing!
 
Ah, I get it now. He didn't go shooting, otherwise he would have found his underwear. That is funny now that I get it......sorry if you think I'm stupid, I'm not really. :lol:
 
We did have an Akita who would pick up his toys and return them to the toy box. He always liked to take one of the toys outside with him to play with. If he forgot it, all I had to do was tell him to go get his "squeaky" and he'd run and get it, remembering exactly where he left it.

Ever notice how much easier it is to teach animals to pick up after themselves than it is to teach your children to do the same (if they could remember where they left the item)?

@ Deejay100six,

You didn't get it the first time because you are an honest man and would never think to do such a thing! Kudos to you! :hug:
 
Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, an aggie in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The aggie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That 's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The aggie thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You 're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That 's correct," says the aggie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
 
Stole this from Temmu:

A monk walked into the scripture copying room where another monk was weeping.
The first monk said, "Why are you weeping so?"
The second monk said, "It says "celebrate!""
 
FORGET ABOUT IT

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
 
Two blondes were driving to Florida to go to Disney World. When they arrived in Buena Vista the driver noticed a sign that said, "Disney World, Left"... They both cried and drove home.
 
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What's your secret?"

image0011.jpg


"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. '"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

'"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.
 
Tech support: Hello. How may I help you today and who am I speaking to?

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
 

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