Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

My sincerest apologies to all!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby bragging about their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was this person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.

"Why?", asks the father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"

"But that's right!", the father replied.

"Then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What the heck's the stupid difference?", asked the father.

"That's what I said!"
 
Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.

Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her[FONT=inherit !important][FONT=inherit ! important][/FONT][FONT=inherit ! important][/FONT][/FONT]

Colic......................A sheep dog.

Coma............A punctuation mark.

Dilate....................To live long.

Enema....................Not a friend.

Fester..........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid..................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node......................I knew it.

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum...................Nearly killed him.

Secretion................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet...................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine....................Opposite of you're out.

{K/ J}
​
 
High Technology

Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear and answered a call. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone - I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt left out - but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ****.

The others raised their eyebrows.
"Huh, will you look at that," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."


{zigzag3143 & JMH}
​
 
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

J/K
​
 
Three corpses arrive to the pathologist. He is surprised as all three are smiling.

He asks the delivery man why.
“The first one won 20 million $ in the casino, had a seizure”
“The second died from a heart attack during sex.”
“The third was hit by lightning”
-”So why was he smiling?”
“He thought he was being photographed”
​
 
Corrine said:
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was going on his way to a nearby town but as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him get to his car.

John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
Click to expand...

Good one! :lol:
 
Californians



So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:



You know you're from California if...



1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.



2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.



3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.



4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.



5.. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?



6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.



7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.



8. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?



9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.



10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.



11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.



12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.



13 You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?



14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'



15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.



16 It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.



17 HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal????



18 Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.



19. The Terminator was your governor.



20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're in the United States illegally, they give you one ...
 
Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

Bubba answered, "Send my grass out to be mowed."
 
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
 
Tips to improve your writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
 
Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys.

The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless.

The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
 
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

{K/J}
​
 
When asked how he would like to die, this man said"
I would like to die just like my grandfather did,
peacefully in his sleep, not screaming or yelling like the
passengers in the car he was driving".
​
 
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