Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

(Stole this from another forum.)

Kentucky Farm Kid in Marines (Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But, I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.. Practically nothing!!
Men got to shave; but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food.
But tell Walt and Elmer, you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches', which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back to camp in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Does nothing.
Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like them Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit the bulls-eye. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then, we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.
I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan , from over in Silver Lake .
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice
 
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I once was told to place my failing HDD in a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer.

The toaster oven was my own idea!
 
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!




Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's . . .been. . . sweeping around!!!
​







​
 
A chuckle for today!


Idle Thoughts Of A
Retiree's Wandering Mind:​

********************

I had amnesia
once---or twice
********************



I went to San
Francisco .
I found someone's heart. Now what?


********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************



All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy
********************

If the world were
a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.


********************

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************



They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.


********************

Teach a child to be
polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up,
he'll
never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.


********************

Experience is the thing
you have left
when everything else is gone.


********************

One nice thing about
egotists:
they don't talk about other people.


********************

My weight is perfect
for my height--
which varies.
********************



I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.


********************

How can there be
self-help "groups"?
********************

If
swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?


********************

Show me a man with both
feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get
his pants off.
********************

Is it me
--or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************​

"If I wasn't so darn modest I'd be perfect!"




 
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.
Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
 
This is too funny.







The AMA's Take On Obama Care...
Humor for a change...!

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body! "while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologist won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington .
 
A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well,I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A Guy
 
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

One again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Click to expand...


Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! Okay, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
Click to expand...


http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/humour/meet_me_halfway.htm
 
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A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a couple of margaritas, with some gin for a chaser. Not a good idea. Well over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I left the car there and took a bus home! Sure enough, just down from the pub, I passed a Random Breath Test police ambush, but because I was in a bus, it was waved past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

Because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
 
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."
 
A couple are Christmas shopping in a packed shopping center, only for the wife to suddenly realize her husband has disappeared!

Calling him on his mobile, he answers and says in a calm voice: ''Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?''

The wife chokes up and says with a faltering voice, ''Yes, I remember.''

''Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.''
 

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